Relieved or disappointed?

Relieved or disappointed?

June 8, 2018 1 By sarahkyllo

My first scheduled Mt. Hood climb attempt was for Sunday. I was nervous. Terrified. Excited. Ready. Not ready at all. But weather won in the end. With white out conditions forecasted and wind and cold temps, there was no way our team would go.

A friend and mentor asked me, was I relieved or disappointed? Yes. All of that. I am both.

I am hope and desire and yearning for adventure and feeling truly alive.

I am fear and grasping for safety and long years of life, comfort and simple joys.

I am mountains unmoved, challenge, resilience, overcoming and grace. I am sweat and cursing the elevation and feeling every muscle in my body awakened and screaming at me to stop. And yet I persist. I am the feeling of accomplishment at the summit. I am humbled by the beauty. I am just as afraid of the descent as I am of how I got there.

I am calm, I am “I have been through the battle” and want to appreciate rest and quiet. I want to spend a weekend reading with my dog at my feet with a glass of wine in my hand. I want to feel that is enough. I want to feel enough.

I am both these things. I am all these things. Mt. Hood is waiting, and I will be there on the summit another day, ice ax in hand, in the pose of victory knowing that below me, is filled with as much wonder as the views above.